Nervous System vs. Self: Moving from Reaction to Response
We’ve all been there—an abrupt rush of emotion, a reactive comment, or a moment of freeze that leaves us asking, “Where did that come from?” When we’re triggered, it’s easy to believe we’ve failed in self-control or mindfulness. But what’s often really happening is that our nervous system is doing what it was designed to do: protect us. The work is not just in mastering our minds, but in befriending our bodies. In this post, we’ll explore how to recognize the signals of the nervous system, how the observing self can step in, and how, through therapeutic practice, we move from automatic reaction to intentional response—grounded in values and safety.
The Body’s Engine: A Primer on the Nervous System
At the center of all reactions is the autonomic nervous system, responsible for regulating crucial physiological processes, including breathing, heartbeat, and the functioning of the digestive system (Cleveland Clinic, 2024). When we are exposed to environmental stressors, the balance is disrupted, and the body readies itself for action by stimulating the sympathetic-adrenal-medullary system (SAM) and hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA), which trigger the fight-or-flight response (Chu, Marwaha, Sanvictores, & Ayers, 2023). These responses are, to an extent, beneficial, but stressors of prolonged duration can be harmful to the body in the long term. Persistent stress can also result in memory impairment, mood instability, and weakened immune functioning (Chu et al., 2023).
The response of the vagus nerve is indicative of the body’s parasympathetic branch, which slows physiological processes and thereby destresses the body and promotes connection and recovery (Integrated Listening, 2023). Ideally, the two branches of the autonomic nervous system are in balance, but when one system is dominant, the result is the violation of the ‘window of tolerance’. In other words, the individual is pushed into a state of hyper-arousal or collapse (Therapy in a Nutshell, 2023).
Reacting vs. Responding
Reacting can be seen as an unconscious, body-driven, automatic process that happens before any thought is put into it. Responding, on the other hand, requires some thought. The observing self actually notices that it is reacting, and then it makes space for a choice. Self as context is “the perspective from which one can be aware of sensations and thoughts without being overrun by them” (Hayes, Strosahl, Wilson, 2012), and this is what Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) refers to as.
This is where the difference that Polyvagal Theory outlines comes into play. As Porges (2011) points out, the vagus nerve enables three main physiological states, which are:
1. A ventral vagal “safe and social” state,
2. A sympathetic “mobilized” state,
3. A dorsal vagal “shut-down” state.
If the nervous system is stuck on mobilization or shutdown, then the observing self gets overrun by survival mechanism responses. This is why awareness is what can help strengthen our sense of agency.
Why Logic Alone Cannot Calm the Body
Many people try to outthink their emotions, using reason to talk themselves into calm. Yet cognitive strategies have a limited impact when the body perceives danger. Under stress, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for reflection and decision-making, temporarily loses efficiency (Harvard Health Publishing, 2023).
In this state, telling yourself to “calm down” rarely works. The goal is not suppression but understanding. Recognizing that the nervous system is trying to protect you transforms shame into curiosity. Moreover, as Birchwood Clinic (2023) notes, the popularized idea of “perfectly regulating” the nervous system oversimplifies human variability. History, environment, and biology all shape our thresholds for safety and threat. The task is not control but awareness.
Bridging the Gap: Grounding the Self in Safety
From the standpoint of the observing self, we can ask: What is my body doing? Am I safe enough right now? What do I value in this moment? Responding requires reconnection to both body and values.
Step 1: Notice your cues.
Signs of activation may include a racing heart, shallow breathing, muscle tension, or emotional numbness. These are not failures but protective signals (Positive Psychology, 2024).
Step 2: Ground the body.
Regulation begins from the bottom up. Try feeling your feet on the floor, exhaling slowly, or naming what you see in your surroundings. Simple sensory grounding tells the body it is safe enough to bring the reasoning brain back online.
Step 3: Respond from values.
Once safety returns, ask, Given what I care about, what do I want to do next? This shift—from reactivity to value-guided choice—builds psychological flexibility (Hayes et al., 2012).
Cultivating Long-Term Flexibility
Regulation is not about eliminating stress; it is about recovering effectively. Flexibility means the ability to move between activation and rest without getting stuck. Research shows that mindfulness, breathwork, and gentle movement strengthen interoceptive awareness, which supports balanced autonomic functioning (Positive Psychology, 2024).
Equally important is co-regulation: nervous systems regulate best in connection. Safe relationships provide external cues of safety that the body can borrow until it learns new internal rhythms. Over time, repeated moments of noticing and responding build new neural pathways of trust and presence.
A Practice to Begin
Next time you feel triggered:
Pause—interrupt the momentum.
Notice—acknowledge sensations without judgment.
Ground—anchor your attention to breath or contact with the floor.
Reconnect to values—identify what matters most right now.
Act—choose one small behaviour aligned with those values.
Even a few seconds of awareness can transform a reaction into a response.
Watch the Full Conversation
If you want to go deeper into the difference between reacting and responding, you can watch our full discussion on this topic. In the episode, Steve and Jess explore what happens inside the nervous system during moments of stress, how to reconnect with the observing self, and how to begin shifting toward more intentional, values-based responses.
🎥 Watch the full video below:
Whether you learn best through listening, seeing examples, or following a guided explanation, this short video brings the concepts in this post to life and gives you a clearer sense of how these processes show up moment to moment.
Build Your Skills with the ACT Essentials App
If you’re looking for practical ways to strengthen awareness, grounding, and psychological flexibility, the ACT Essentials App is designed to support that work. The app includes:
step-by-step grounding tools
values clarification exercises
mindfulness prompts
self-as-context practices
short reflections you can use throughout the day
These tools help you notice your nervous system in real time and choose actions that align with your values, even when your body is reacting intensely.
Reference List
Birchwood Clinic. (2023). The myth of “regulating your nervous system.” Birchwood Clinic Press.
Chu, B., Marwaha, K., Sanvictores, T., & Ayers, D. (2023). Physiology, stress reaction. In StatPearls [Internet].StatPearls Publishing.
Cleveland Clinic. (2024). Autonomic nervous system. Cleveland Clinic.
Harvard Health Publishing. (2023). Understanding the stress response. Harvard University.
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Integrated Listening. (2023). Understanding and treating a dysregulated nervous system: Signs, symptoms, and rebalancing techniques. Integrated Listening Systems.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.
Positive Psychology. (2024). What is nervous system regulation and why is it important? Positive Psychology Publishing.
Therapy in a Nutshell. (2023). The three states of anxiety in the nervous system. Therapy in a Nutshell Press.
